I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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