and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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