I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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