it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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