All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Holy sore nipples Batman
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
