youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
