I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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