Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
