You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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