Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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