guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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