running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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