Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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