Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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