I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
