Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
