Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
