He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
