there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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