His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
