So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
