that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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