Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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