There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
