I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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