Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Terrible idea I love it
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize