Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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