Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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