i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize