im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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