Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
