he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
