Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize