My nipple is on Facebook.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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