Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
