the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
