I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How naked do you want me to be?
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