I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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