I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
