She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
