:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
