just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
