She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
