He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
