New invention idea: vibrating tampons
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
