I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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