I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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