i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
