mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
