dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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