I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
