thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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