I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you will always have a special place in my vag
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
