Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
