So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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