bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
