I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
