Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
