i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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