I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
