The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
