Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
